Keep your hands inside the ride at all times...

This is what you hear before the roller coaster begins moving.  It is also the point where if you scream loud enough, they will let you off.  At this point, you have waited in the line and the anticipation grows to a point that seems almost unbearable.  As you sit in the seat and lower the bar that is intended to keep you safe throughout the ride, you may wonder if you have made a wise decision.  While they are giving the instructions, you have a last moment to jump out before the press that button that starts the journey.  

We are there.  The adoption agency has given us the warnings and the instructions.  And we are at the point where we are to begin paying for things.  (Not that one can put a price on a child or, even more importantly, on obedience to the Father.)  We think there might be an issue with a particular medicine Matt has been on because China has very strict rules about who can adopt their children.  For example, you have to be a certain age, under a certain Body Mass Index, they even ask if you have any facial deformities.  We simply can't lie about the medication, but we hate to proceed with a part that will cost us financially if we will most likely be denied.  

As a result of this I have felt a bit deflated today.  I know God talks to us...He reveals His will to us.  If this is the end of our adventure, even though we never even got the safety belts latched, why all the confirmations and heart yearnings for a daughter from China?  

I trust His plan.  But I'm a mommy who feels like she's missing a child, and Matt feels the same way.  He is comforting me and reminding me that God will make a way if it is meant to be.  He said this might just be one of several hiccups along the ride.  My calm, cool, and collected husband is right and I believe that if God has a plan for us to adopt, it will happen and in His timing.  However, He may simply have placed this desire in our hearts as a way to remind us of our own adoption into His family.  At this point I don't know.  

Until then, however, we will focus on the time of reintegration we are facing!  And speaking of that, I can't believe Matt flies out of Liberty in just five or six days! (Remember, it will still be several days after that before he gets home.  Don't worry:  I will post it here and on facebook as soon as I have specific information!!)  WHOO-HOO!!  I can't wait until we are sitting together at the dinner table and eating as a family.  I've left Matt's bedroom slippers by his side of the bed the entire time.  The post it notes he wrote for us before he left in DEC 07 are still all over the house.  I bought a 4-10 CAV car magnet that is currently attached to the fridge so it doesn't get faded on his car in the meantime.  So many tiny things that are about to come full circle.  

***  I wrote this on 5-29-09, but had to run it by Matt before posting it.  Today, however, I have received the most amazingly sweet email from Matt with all the encouragement I needed and no longer feel deflated!    Here are parts of it, to leave you with both of our points of view regarding this roller coaster:

 I know God will provide, even if it's another biological child. I have always wanted a little girl that looks just like you, but maybe with curly blonde hair.

I don't have a lack of faith, but I just can't see God telling us to jump into that much debt.  He is big enough to work it out, or to give us a biological daughter, or son for that matter.  I know you are deflated, and I am too, but I do have a peace about it. I have no idea what's going to happen, but I am ok with that.  We have to be careful that this pursuit doesn't adversely affect our marriage.  We are not in any rush.  People our age are just now starting to have kids and we 

already have three.  I believe we will have another child sometime in the not so distant future.  I want to spend the next couple of months focusing on you and the boys since it's been so long since we've been together.  

I love you so much.  I love your mother's heart...it's one of the things that attracted me to you long before you had Hayden.  I know that heart is breaking because of the longing for a daughter.  I wish I could heal your heart, but I know Jesus can and he wants to.  I think the place in your heart that longs for another child will be filled one day, and I don't think it will be that long.  I love you, beautiful.  One thing I do know, if we do have a daughter she will have me wrapped just like you
do.  I love you, babe...5 days until I wave goodbye to Baghdad.